Saucemaster

Saucemaster’s own T-shirt design…would you dare to wear this proudly?

Apparently this is a business now, you go and make up these number plates someone will want one day and hope they buy it off you for $100,000….as if.

Anyway, I thought I’d have a go myself, so I went to the transport department’s plates site (http://www.ppq.com.au). The other people I’d seen doing it were all trying to get some sort of perverted message into three letters and three numbers. An example was, SEX-298 (supposedly ’sex tonight’)… I could think of a better way to spend $400 if all you can think about is that. Well, I tried my hand anyway and came up with something I thought that no one would have:

Cool huh? I thought you’d like that. But to my upmost surprise, apparently someone already has it:

Someone out there in Queensland has a car that says HIV-69…that’s definatley one you wouldn’t forget seeing.

Whatever you may think, this horrible movie is not the worst thing I’ve seen this week. I watched Domino on the weekend, that one hundred and twenty minute music video movie gave me motion sickness and caused my retinas to burn out. My brain shutdown within half an hour of the movie and I had no idea what happened half the time, but somehow I don’t think that mattered.

So here I was at work, with a downloaded in-cinema, un-synched, DivX of the new movie Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift. I started watching it, well, if you see the post “Work Suicide Note” you’ll know why. It was out of pure desperation.

It’s your usual hero gets girl story, instead of fighting dragons or ice hockey or computer hacking or fighting, it’s of course car racing.

The hero is a white guy with an accent like a fucking hick from Arkansas with a hankering for V8s (that was a given anyway). Supposedly, he avoids going to jail in the USA for racing cars by moving to Japan to live with a father (I think it was his?) who is apparently in the military but seems to just stay at home and sleep with prostitutes all the time. Great work if you can get it (apart from contracting AIDS). Now I never knew you could just move to another country to avoid jail, usually they wouldn’t let you out of the country and if you did get that far they’d send you back. Don’t forget this is just a stupid popfag movie, so real world rules don’t usually have anything to do with it. But it would be nice if film was a fair, if not realistic, portrayal of life.

Hero attends school in Tokyo and doesn’t speak a word of Japanese, this doesn’t seem to faze anyone though - I’m sorry but why? Why the fuck would you attend a school if you can’t even understand what the teacher is saying? This is where he first sees the girl he has to win.

Hero’s girl is, well I don’t know, possibly Hispanic and forced to wear a Tokyo school uniform to look - well I don’t know…did they want a Japanese that looked white or a white that looked Japanese…? Or did they think we just wouldn’t notice? She speaks horrible Japanese and looks pretty horrible too. As always a good old white hick can find a vaguely European girl to fall in love with in every Tokyo high school class. By vaguely European I mean Hispanic is better than Asian in the sense the white hick wouldn’t upset his grand master wizard grandmother or anything. At the school he also meets his first friend.

Friend #1 is a token black, aren’t they all. Token black guy is played by Bow Wow (the Lil’ has been omitted recently, is he packing something big now?).
An interesting side-note: token black guy’s car seems to have goatse hands as vinyls on it’s body. He is apparently popular, despite not being able to speak anything but ghetto, he seems to be followed around by a company of big breasted muted (can’t speak) Japanese school girls. Possibly lost their tongues due to the atomic blast? Don’t they know that Bow Wow is a twelve year kid? Here I should introduce the Japanese characters of the film. All the girls are not able to speak and seem to be happy with showing legs and being objects of sexual desire (wow, this is a ground breaking movie, how many clichés do we have so far?). I’ve never found mutes that appealing myself. All males are yakuza drift racers and are generally tough’ies that stir up the hick a lot and call him gaijin. Indeed, the movie would have you believe the country consisted wholly of yakuza racers and tongueless mutes in mini-skirts.

For those of you who don’t know, gaijin means foreigner and it is said to be kind of offensive. I don’t think its offensive enough really, especially in this case. I would’ve liked to hear them call the hick a “dirty fat white muthafucking cunt-lipped GILF hunter”, but alas gaijin was all they could muster.

Hero is not a fantastic actor either. His best asset is a goofy smile which makes him look like Ben Stiller - not a great asset for a tough street racer. Generally he shows about as much expression as a dead botox’ed rabbit but you shouldn’t hold that against him. If you do hold anything against him, its always having to wonder why the fuck he’s going to school when he looks like a 30 year old man?

Other than all of this, they decided to rip off various aspects of Kill Bill, such as using the 5,6,7,8s on the soundtrack and stealing Sonny Chiba to play a yakuza boss. Also stealing much from the PC game Need for Speed Underground, and even stealing from Initial D.

It is fun though, to count the number of mutes, or I suppose if you chronically masturbate over mutes you might enjoy the film in it’s entirety. Out of 10 I’d give it 0, but that’s pretty good considering I gave Domino -32²/0….

You might enjoy the action scenes, but don’t expect the fake plastic sentimentality about the Zen of street racing to touch your heart or anything (there’s even a father saves son scene - how fucking stupid). If you do go searching, then look to the token black’s goatse hands for the answer.

With the risk of over-macchio’ing Saucemaster at the moment, I have one more thing to add. I was greatly inspired by the street artists in Catching the Fly documentary, who are pasting Ralph’s face on walls and buildings anonymously. I especially like how they don’t want anyone to know who’s doing it, but Ralph’s face will be everywhere. I looked around the web for the image they used but couldn’t find anything. So I’ve made a reproduction. One day I’d like to paste this somewhere as well.

When I first saw the image above, in the post Sausage had added recently, I was sure that I was looking at a young Ralph singing his lungs out with nasty hippy hair. After actually watching the video, it obviously wasn’t Ralph at all but some Texan daughter of the klu klux klan. Even now though, it still really looks like him I think.

In a field near Sandwich in Kent, Alan Gibbs, a local model maker, is firing up his steam engine. Its chimney is coughing out irritated little clouds of smuts and its pistons are bobbing up and down.

At a table, curator Rob Tufnell is using an Apple Mac powered by the engine. For this is the Steam Powered Internet Machine: the latest deeply eccentric project from Turner-prizewinning artist Jeremy Deller and his collaborator Alan Kane. “We were thinking about something that connects the industrial revolution and the digital revolution,” said Deller. Kane added: “They are worlds apart but there’s also a proximity. The steam age and the digital age are not so far apart.”

The Guardian: Art brings steam power to the digital revolution

I’m counting down the seconds until I can’t take it anymore this morning and walk out or go postal.

It’s fucking boring here, that’s the bottom line.

I have no one to talk to that resembles a human being with normal thoughts and emotions. PB and McChicken talk about so much terd encrusted nothingness that I hate to even look at them. Sherry annoys me just by sitting there like a deaf mute at an opera concert, smiling with no clue as to why she is. MP isn’t in today - she would probably be the only person who I could find some interesting banter to have with.

My own cubicle is decorated with two tards that would make a conversation with Timothy the orang-utan on level 9 look more inviting. MJ this morning realised that a PDF document she’d tried to print last Friday afternoon has all but destroyed the printer and corrupted it’s memory.
It takes me some time to get the printer working again, which had a piece of half printed paper jammed in every possible receptacle and orifice, plus it’s job memory was in a fucked state. I get the printer working again, and like a rabid fucking alien with no concept of how the universe works, she immediately attempts to print the same document again, which with the cause and effect theory in hand, causes exactly the same thing to happen again. Whilst up to my elbows in a printer orifice, not unlike a James Herriot episode, I pull out a sheet of paper that had no business being where it was. On it is the half printed title ‘Rental Assets for Tax 2005′, of which caused my brain to concave and pulsate like a diseased set of gonads. One question I need to ask is, why aren’t you here to share this world of depressing pain? Perhaps you have your own to contend with!

Everywhere I look I see sad old bearded man gathered around and talking about their weekend in terms of how many litres of petrol there fucking stupid cars used when they drove to their awful mother’s house.
Hearing
that, I know I want to die. Women sit in groups wearing lifeline fashion and gossip about how their teenage kids did something cute and funny on Saturday. I know in all likelihood those teenagers would no doubt be the biggest arseholes on the face of this planet . I know I want to die when I hear this. Yet I can’t leave my seat, I’m surrounded by and invaded with tards and depressing work people - oh what can I do?

Actually I feel much better now. Thanks for listening.

CURRENTLY IN POST-PRODUCTION: This documentary examines the impact of the movie, The Karate Kid. Traveling across the globe to meet Karate Kid fans, the film exposes the far-reaching effects of the classic 80’s hit. While searching for the fans, our host trains to fight in a real karate tournament, just like Daniel-San.

http://karatekidfan.com

From the movie Crossroads, wherein Ralph Macchio battles Steve Vai on guitar, and a black “Miyagi” plays the mouth organ.

Was this Ralph’s big break in 1979, the year of the Sauce?