Saucemaster

Times are rough now, how can I continue without the Schonell?
If I had more than fifty cents in my pocket, I would fund it myself.
Nowadays late night films on a Sunday can never happen.
I am Jack’s complete sense of delayed disappointment.
Fuck you Australian Government.
The Saucemaster has spoken.

Saucemaster Custom Search Engine

Set this piece of crude as your home page and search through the sauce, who knows what you’ll find - possibly an old sausage sizzle post somewhere on usenet.

After swearing allegiance to a picture of an emu, in an animal-theistic cult type ceremony, I, the Saucemaster, was thus named an Australian citizen. This is a good thing when having to return home to Zimbabwe could possibly mean being hung upside by my own scrotum skin (and that’s before I even leave the aircraft). The downside to being ‘Australian’ is that I have to vote. Who really wants to do this? The only people that get excited on poll days are seriously troubled individuals. And none of it makes sense either, they won’t let retards or jail inmates vote, but it’s ok for a six foot Zimbabwean wearing a North Korean badge to stroll in and have a go. I’d be freaked out by this and I am a six foot Zimbabwean…

The whole problem on poll day for me was, where do I go to do it? Obviously being half black and half white, and generally looking like I just escaped off a coffee plantation - cut’s down your options. White neighbourhoods were out. I can’t stand their little Chester kids staring at my groin - even at that age they seem to be wracked with penis envy. Black neighbourhoods were definitely out. I couldn’t go down there if you paid me too, it’s Sudanese country and those bastards are hardcore. I didn’t fancy getting into a staring contest with some guy who’d once watched his entire family burn alive. They tend to be able to go for over an hour without blinking. I decided to head for the Chinese area, Sunnybank. They generally don’t know what to think of me. Perhaps the North Korean badge would confuse them, but at least they knew I wasn’t there to kidnap their Falun Gong family members and have them shipped back to China labelled Beef Jerky.

Arriving at a school in Sunnybank, I was surprised to see the place was adorned with political messages written in Chinese. I couldn’t read any of that shit, but I felt at home immediately. I walked in through the customary legions of party lackey’s that hand you leaflets and blurt out political statements in tongues as you pass. I was happy to see the legions were all Chinese, some dressed in Red for Labour and others in Blue for Liberal… I wondered what caused them to choose sides… There wasn’t any Chinese One Nation supporters around but there was a serious looking independent who looked like he hated everyone, so I guess he counts. I took a leaflet from the first person who greeted me, it was a Chinese guy, young and smart looking, dressed in Liberal blue. He directed me towards the voting registration with a smile and I walked on. Next were a group of Chinese all dressed in red (very ironically), they weren’t happy that I’d taken a leaflet from the first guy and so tried not to catch my eye. I put my hand out as I passed but they wouldn’t give it to me. I thought about stopping and demanding to be given a leaflet, but they were obviously supreme Labour supporters and I didn’t want trouble. The funny thing was, if they got so cut about people taking the Liberal guy’s leaflets, maybe they should have stood up where he was or even in front of him.

I went to register for an absentee vote, which was inside a classroom. It smelt just like my classroom back in Zimbabwe and immediately I was taken aback. Except for no AK47 rounds being shot in the distance and no tank treads across the sports oval, it was very reminiscent of ex-home. After the Chinese entourage outside, I was shocked to find the inside was staffed entirely by whites, luckily there were no Chester kids there though. A series of old men sat on the other side of the room and leafed through electoral rolls as though it was an original bible or something. Thankfully I didn’t have to line up there; I was on the other side. The other side was staffed by a metro sexual in a tie and three nice looking girls. I couldn’t believe it, what the hell were they doing there (the girls, not that goddamn metro). I stood in line and prayed that I wouldn’t get the metro; otherwise I imagined I’d just throw up all over him.

Something was smiling in my direction that day, as I didn’t get the metro, one of the girls called me over. She was dressed smartly and was sporting a fair display of cleavage. I couldn’t believe my luck, but couldn’t help wondering what makes a girl give up her Saturday and do something as depressing as a poll day, and amongst it all somewhere decide to show some cleavage… We smiled at each other and went through the motions - she handed me a ballot and sent me over to a booth. I went over to it. I’m sure she was a liberal national, I could just tell by looking at her. Was one breast liberal and the other national? How did it work? Anyway, I was so busy thinking about all that, that I had no idea who or what I was voting for and people were lined up waiting for me. Suddenly, a little black spider came running out from between the layers of recycled cardboard that made up the booth, bit me on the finger and kept running down it’s edge, disappearing. I shrugged, and wrote on my ballot paper “I just got bitten by a spider” then folded it over. I went back to the cleavage girl and she popped it into an envelope and said to me, “Well done”. I’m not sure what that meant, but in the context of what I had written on the ballot paper it made me smile. I said, “Thanks” and walked out.

Outside, fuckers were talking about political crap in a kind of post-voting blow out party. I got the hell out of there before some arsehole cornered me into a conversation. I vaguely wondered on the way home if I could possibly write to the federal government and revoke my own right to vote, request that they remove it from me. There were only two options though, either I had to go to jail or become a retard. Neither is that appealing, so I guess I’ll just have to keep doing this crap forever. I promised myself to always vote “I just got bitten by a spider”, it seemed a wholly pleasing compromise.