Saucemaster

This was a pleasure to do, seriously fun doing this whilst hiding it from office ozzie bevans who might take offence and kill me.

Sausage found a big picture of Iron Chef French Hiroyuki Sakai, a rare find. In fact I’d looked before, ohh..months ago now, but had to satisfy myself (literally) with a picture of Celine Dion. With the goods from Sausage, I went about forming my Iron Chef Australian. There was so much I could do, and so many things I could cram into the photo (I somehow wanted him to be cooking in a kitchen setup whilst the Cronulla riots waged around him, but this was just too stupid and difficult). I opted for simple, but hard hitting.

A search for “Bogan” in google images produced the face you see as our national Iron Chef. I then colorised the uniform to make it blue, then replaced the pear with a plate of fat saturated Fish n’ Chips. I could see just him raising onto the stage every Saturday night with a plate of chips and beer battered carp meat. As for a name, that was easy, I just picked a random first and last name from the work address book and “Kevin Duke” was born.


Iron Chef Australian, Kevin Duke, once dubbed the most prolific deep fryer cook in the whole of Oceania. He mixes traditional ingredients such as tomato sauce and potatoes with new styles of Australian cuisine - meat pies with peas and bread, to create never before seen dishes.

This weekend, a battle like none before will rage, Iron Chef Australian will tackle Iron Chef Mexican, Chep Hernandez, in a never been done before duel. The theme ingredient: Chiko Rolls. Don’t miss it.

Considering this title, Delicatessen 2: mr miyagi’s sushi train, one is first digusted and then one comes to a realisation: it all explains the disappearance of Daniel in Karate Kid 4. Was Hilary Swank fed long shanks of Daniel’s calf on a bed of rice and vinegar in Karate Kid 4? It’s possible, after all, Miyagi-san only hints at the fate of Daniel in the film. If nothing else, it would definitely explain why Hilary Swank’s face looks that way.

Amended KK Timeline

1. The Karate Kid 1984
2. The Karate Kid, Part II 1986
3. The Karate Kid, Part III 1989
4. Delicatessen 2: mr miyagi’s sushi train circa 1990
5. The Karate Kid, Part IV, The Next Karate Kid 1994

Few of you would remember ralph macchio’s days of struggle as a little known amateur on pinoy radio. Before his rise to fame as the karate kid, ralph was known affectionately as ‘little happy ralph boy’, on the underground fillipino american live radio circuit.

This official saucemaster version patch of the macchio radio station based in Manila, is an ideal patch for any jacket, be it an eastern german green or a leather bike chapter - carry sauce with you.

This stamp didn’t really require much photoshopping, as it already contained an over-sized dutch speculaas, a little black kid that looks a lot like sausage sizzle did when he was 12, and a bearded priest. This is a rare find indeed. Is the bearded priest offering sausage the cookie in an attempt to convert the little bastard or is the priest wracked with penis-envy even after growing out of his chester kid habits? Sauce doesn’t know, but thanks Brewen for this fabulous find!

The official Saucemaster Postage Stamp®©:

My inspiration came from the troubling decision a woman must face after being raped. The model in my picture looks vaguely out her bedroom window, knowing the tough burden of decision she carries on her shoulders.

The Saucemaster himself, on this day, second of October, is calling for action. He is calling to all Saucemaster affiliates, retainers and friends, he is calling to all creative and not-so creative talent on usenet and www2… It’s photoshop time - what we need is saucemaster based concept art:

• wordpress themes
• potraiture
• avatars
• caricatures
• surrealist
• minimalist
• cubist
• sexist
• anything…

For themes and inspirational sources:

• Ralph Macchio
• Traditional Zimbawean Dress
• Australianisms
• Bitting Spiders
• Half white/half black kids
• North Korea
• Sausage
• Emu cult ceremony
• Iron Chef Hiroyuki Sakai
• Ultima 6
• Harare
• Everybody Remembers Chester the Child Molester
• Bin Laden
• Goatse Cookies
• Cronulla
• Dutch Spiced Cookies (optional Pubic Hair)
• Fillipinos
• Delicatessen
• Paul Thurrott Is A Total Cunt
• Microsoft Word Raped Me
• Jamaican Teachers
• Bad Noir Film

Entries must be safe for work! but if you really want to use nudity, I guess it’s ok.

Saucemaster retainers can post there entries directly, all others
post to the comments with a URL or send to retroburst_@_gmail.com.

Saucemaster’s personal contribution is as follows, the Sauce himself as Ralph Macchio. He has basically pasted
in his own lips, nose, eyes and eyebrows over Ralph’s and therefore became the pyramid intercept between east, west, black. It’s very deep.

The Saucemaster official avatar:

While watching South Park a couple of weeks ago I was very surprised to see an uncredited cameo as the ‘Tall Goth’ by Dirk himself…

In a field near Sandwich in Kent, Alan Gibbs, a local model maker, is firing up his steam engine. Its chimney is coughing out irritated little clouds of smuts and its pistons are bobbing up and down.

At a table, curator Rob Tufnell is using an Apple Mac powered by the engine. For this is the Steam Powered Internet Machine: the latest deeply eccentric project from Turner-prizewinning artist Jeremy Deller and his collaborator Alan Kane. “We were thinking about something that connects the industrial revolution and the digital revolution,” said Deller. Kane added: “They are worlds apart but there’s also a proximity. The steam age and the digital age are not so far apart.”

The Guardian: Art brings steam power to the digital revolution