Saucemaster

Borat does Paris

KAZAKHSTAN, it seems, is not quite a big enough target for all the explicit schtick of Borat, the pseudo journalist - played by British comedian Sacha Baron Cohen - whose movie is about to be unleashed on the world next month.

In a Paris press conference, Borat flung his mucky mirth far and wide over a range of other victims, including US President George W. Bush, Mel Gibson, Brigitte Bardot, French cuisine and Uzbekistan.

But it was still Kazakhstan that bore the brunt of Baron Cohen’s satire - much to that country’s well-publicised chagrin, and much for the box-office benefit it will bring his film Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan which starts screening from November 3.

Standing in front of a set made to look like an apartment in his fictional Kazakhstan, Baron Cohen - staying in character - launched into his spiel about the movie, which plays as a comic fake documentary on the United States.

Borat, a figure halfway between Mr Bean and Inspector Clouseau who was born out of a successful series Baron Cohen has performed on British television, is supposedly one of Kazakhstan’s top television journalists, down to his (real and quite long) moustache and his mangled, sexually-laced English.

“My name Borat … I am in fact the fourth most famous person in Kazakhstan,” he said, framed by a stuffed black bear and women’s underwear hanging from a clothes-line.

The preceding top three, he claimed, were a former gymnast now famed for her circus act which involved placing one of her feet in an unlikely place; “Johnny the Monkey”, a children’s entertainer and porn star; and (real) Kazakh President Nursultan Nazarbayev.

He offered no accompanying details on Nazarbayev, preferring to leave a long, knowing silence that spoke volumes about the Kazakh leader’s genuine irritation at Baron Cohen’s routine and film.
Stung Kazakh officials have recently gone as far as to close down a website Baron Cohen was using to promote his character and hired a PR firm to take out press ads in a bid to counter the negative image they believe Borat has built on their country.

But Baron Cohen/Borat was not letting Nazarbayev entirely off the hook.

He said his “glorious leader”’s visit last month to see Bush was all in the name of promotion for his movie, and lauded the US president for being a “strong man” in the mould of John Wayne.

He also claimed the new ads vaunting Kazakhstan’s progress were “lying propogandas (sic) from a**holes Uzbekistan”, and warned that if they continued, “then Kazakhstan will be left with no alternative than to commence bombardment of Uzbeki cities with our catapults”.

Borat’s trademark antisemitism - in fact a technique whereby Baron Cohen, who is Jewish, elicits surprising reactions from some of his unsuspecting interview subjects - came to the fore when he agreed with a certain “Melvyn Gibson” that “the Jews started all the wars”.

“We also have proofs that the Jews were responsible for Hurricane Katrina and were also behind killing all the dinosaurs,” he said.

France also got a taste of the comedian’s lampooning.

“It’s a great honour to be here in minor nation of France,” he said, adding that all he had heard about the country’s refined cuisine was true.

“Your McDonald’s are wonderful … I eat there 15 of these delicious hamburgers,” though he reflected that “today there was a problem and my anus was hanging loose like the mouth of a tired dog”.

Nevertheless, he explained he was still on form should he have the occasion to meet a beautiful young actress he saw in And God Created Woman, a (1956) movie “just out” in Kazakhstan starring the now-weathered Brigitte Bardot.

“Wawawaylaa! I would very much like to make a romance inside of her!” he said.

Lest France or other countries worried they might next be in line to be “Borated,” however, Baron Cohen - who turns 35 next week - was reassuring, saying that a technical barrier was stopping him from doing any follow-up movies.

“Our country’s camera is being used to make another television programme,” his Borat said.

Considering this title, Delicatessen 2: mr miyagi’s sushi train, one is first digusted and then one comes to a realisation: it all explains the disappearance of Daniel in Karate Kid 4. Was Hilary Swank fed long shanks of Daniel’s calf on a bed of rice and vinegar in Karate Kid 4? It’s possible, after all, Miyagi-san only hints at the fate of Daniel in the film. If nothing else, it would definitely explain why Hilary Swank’s face looks that way.

Amended KK Timeline

1. The Karate Kid 1984
2. The Karate Kid, Part II 1986
3. The Karate Kid, Part III 1989
4. Delicatessen 2: mr miyagi’s sushi train circa 1990
5. The Karate Kid, Part IV, The Next Karate Kid 1994

Few of you would remember ralph macchio’s days of struggle as a little known amateur on pinoy radio. Before his rise to fame as the karate kid, ralph was known affectionately as ‘little happy ralph boy’, on the underground fillipino american live radio circuit.

This official saucemaster version patch of the macchio radio station based in Manila, is an ideal patch for any jacket, be it an eastern german green or a leather bike chapter - carry sauce with you.

While watching South Park a couple of weeks ago I was very surprised to see an uncredited cameo as the ‘Tall Goth’ by Dirk himself…

Saucemaster’s own T-shirt design…would you dare to wear this proudly?

Whatever you may think, this horrible movie is not the worst thing I’ve seen this week. I watched Domino on the weekend, that one hundred and twenty minute music video movie gave me motion sickness and caused my retinas to burn out. My brain shutdown within half an hour of the movie and I had no idea what happened half the time, but somehow I don’t think that mattered.

So here I was at work, with a downloaded in-cinema, un-synched, DivX of the new movie Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift. I started watching it, well, if you see the post “Work Suicide Note” you’ll know why. It was out of pure desperation.

It’s your usual hero gets girl story, instead of fighting dragons or ice hockey or computer hacking or fighting, it’s of course car racing.

The hero is a white guy with an accent like a fucking hick from Arkansas with a hankering for V8s (that was a given anyway). Supposedly, he avoids going to jail in the USA for racing cars by moving to Japan to live with a father (I think it was his?) who is apparently in the military but seems to just stay at home and sleep with prostitutes all the time. Great work if you can get it (apart from contracting AIDS). Now I never knew you could just move to another country to avoid jail, usually they wouldn’t let you out of the country and if you did get that far they’d send you back. Don’t forget this is just a stupid popfag movie, so real world rules don’t usually have anything to do with it. But it would be nice if film was a fair, if not realistic, portrayal of life.

Hero attends school in Tokyo and doesn’t speak a word of Japanese, this doesn’t seem to faze anyone though - I’m sorry but why? Why the fuck would you attend a school if you can’t even understand what the teacher is saying? This is where he first sees the girl he has to win.

Hero’s girl is, well I don’t know, possibly Hispanic and forced to wear a Tokyo school uniform to look - well I don’t know…did they want a Japanese that looked white or a white that looked Japanese…? Or did they think we just wouldn’t notice? She speaks horrible Japanese and looks pretty horrible too. As always a good old white hick can find a vaguely European girl to fall in love with in every Tokyo high school class. By vaguely European I mean Hispanic is better than Asian in the sense the white hick wouldn’t upset his grand master wizard grandmother or anything. At the school he also meets his first friend.

Friend #1 is a token black, aren’t they all. Token black guy is played by Bow Wow (the Lil’ has been omitted recently, is he packing something big now?).
An interesting side-note: token black guy’s car seems to have goatse hands as vinyls on it’s body. He is apparently popular, despite not being able to speak anything but ghetto, he seems to be followed around by a company of big breasted muted (can’t speak) Japanese school girls. Possibly lost their tongues due to the atomic blast? Don’t they know that Bow Wow is a twelve year kid? Here I should introduce the Japanese characters of the film. All the girls are not able to speak and seem to be happy with showing legs and being objects of sexual desire (wow, this is a ground breaking movie, how many clichés do we have so far?). I’ve never found mutes that appealing myself. All males are yakuza drift racers and are generally tough’ies that stir up the hick a lot and call him gaijin. Indeed, the movie would have you believe the country consisted wholly of yakuza racers and tongueless mutes in mini-skirts.

For those of you who don’t know, gaijin means foreigner and it is said to be kind of offensive. I don’t think its offensive enough really, especially in this case. I would’ve liked to hear them call the hick a “dirty fat white muthafucking cunt-lipped GILF hunter”, but alas gaijin was all they could muster.

Hero is not a fantastic actor either. His best asset is a goofy smile which makes him look like Ben Stiller - not a great asset for a tough street racer. Generally he shows about as much expression as a dead botox’ed rabbit but you shouldn’t hold that against him. If you do hold anything against him, its always having to wonder why the fuck he’s going to school when he looks like a 30 year old man?

Other than all of this, they decided to rip off various aspects of Kill Bill, such as using the 5,6,7,8s on the soundtrack and stealing Sonny Chiba to play a yakuza boss. Also stealing much from the PC game Need for Speed Underground, and even stealing from Initial D.

It is fun though, to count the number of mutes, or I suppose if you chronically masturbate over mutes you might enjoy the film in it’s entirety. Out of 10 I’d give it 0, but that’s pretty good considering I gave Domino -32²/0….

You might enjoy the action scenes, but don’t expect the fake plastic sentimentality about the Zen of street racing to touch your heart or anything (there’s even a father saves son scene - how fucking stupid). If you do go searching, then look to the token black’s goatse hands for the answer.

With the risk of over-macchio’ing Saucemaster at the moment, I have one more thing to add. I was greatly inspired by the street artists in Catching the Fly documentary, who are pasting Ralph’s face on walls and buildings anonymously. I especially like how they don’t want anyone to know who’s doing it, but Ralph’s face will be everywhere. I looked around the web for the image they used but couldn’t find anything. So I’ve made a reproduction. One day I’d like to paste this somewhere as well.

When I first saw the image above, in the post Sausage had added recently, I was sure that I was looking at a young Ralph singing his lungs out with nasty hippy hair. After actually watching the video, it obviously wasn’t Ralph at all but some Texan daughter of the klu klux klan. Even now though, it still really looks like him I think.

CURRENTLY IN POST-PRODUCTION: This documentary examines the impact of the movie, The Karate Kid. Traveling across the globe to meet Karate Kid fans, the film exposes the far-reaching effects of the classic 80’s hit. While searching for the fans, our host trains to fight in a real karate tournament, just like Daniel-San.

http://karatekidfan.com